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Friday, 23 January 2009

  • Yet again

    Hate waking up with the feeling that I have no control over what is happening inside me. It's been a while since I last dealt with this kind of chaos inside, at least to this degree, and it is exhausting to face. The harder part, though, is walking through the day without letting people know how much of a royal mess you are. Sometimes I want to just break down in the middle of class or campus and just start screaming. No words, no intention, just screaming to get this emotion out of me and to let the world know that, for once, I am not alright. Since I don't want to face the repercussions of having a minor mental break down in public, I have resorted to more covert ways of signaling my distress: sunglasses on to hide my eyes, iPod on to separate me from the rest of the world, unreadable expression fixed on my face, and constant retreats to my room or home in order to be in a safe place. I guess I don't really know what to do.

    Playlist:
    Norah Jones: Wake Me Up
    Norah Jones: Rosie's Lullaby

    Today: class, pack, class, meetings, home, Battlestar Galactica with Matt

Wednesday, 21 January 2009

  • keep moving forward, one inked step at a time

    Waking up this morning, I wasn't sure where I was, which path my life was taking. Part of me is still exhibiting the signs of a major depressive episode- the psychomotor retardation, decreased appetite, general apathy, rumination, anxiety, etc.- and I am having a very difficult time working past all these symptoms. They seem to cloud me and make my day harder because I am fairly certain that if I weren't feeling all this discomfort I would probably be able to deal with the day. It makes me wonder if I should go back on anti-depressants, if only because it would quell this sensation inside me for a long enough time that I could gather my feet under my beaten down body. I wonder if they would stop the memory stream; if they did, the medication option looks much more appealing. At the same time, though, I don't want to use the anti-depressant crutch, mostly because I am stubborn and it will feel like I am taking steps backward to use pills after I fought so hard to get off them. Even all the reasons I have used in the past to explain to other people why using medication is alright don't seem to apply to me, or at least, I don't want to listen to them. Am I so different because I am a Psychology major, heading for a clinical career? Not really. We all have to get over our own issues before we can actually help people, so maybe the medication will just be temporary.

Tuesday, 20 January 2009

  • It's been a long time since I consistently had so many things go wrong in one time period, so words cannot describe the frustration of it all. I woke up this morning wondering what would happen today, what else could be piled on me? I'm still standing, so you might as well pile some more on, just to make things interesting. I'm still finding positive things to do and I'm not letting myself curl up around my self-pity, much though I want to. I'm hoping that things will get better.

    Playlist:
    None

    Today: class, thesis work, organize books, e-mails, make appointments, avoid any objects falling from sky.

Monday, 19 January 2009

  • New Semester

    First day of class today. Mondays are hell for me with my day starting at 8:30 and continuing until 5:30- so this is a real work day. Fog has covered the whole campus, which I guess I will be seeing more of since I have to be up early more often. Still, my life feels confusing and not my own without you. This can't be right.

    Playlist:
    Damien Rice-I Remember
    Snow Patrol- Open Your Eyes

    Today: 8:30 Weekily internship meeting, 10:30 General Psych, 12:30 Caucer, 3:00-5:30 Theories and Processes, die

Sunday, 18 January 2009

  • "Hate this about dating. One moment you're closer to someone than anyone in the whole world next minute they only need to say the words 'time apart,' 'serious talk,' or 'maybe you...' and you're never going to see them again and you will have to spend the next six months having imaginary conversations in which they beg to come back and bursting into tears at the sight of their toothbrush."
    -Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason

    (quote doesn't really pertain to how I woke up but it just sounded interesting)

    Moving back to school today, which is just a whole mess of emotions. As much of a shit storm this semester is shaping up to be, I am about ready to just hunker down and get this semester over and done with. I don't really have high expectations for the semester so I just want to power through and get out- I feel like that is the only way keep some semblance of sanity.

    Hell, I don't even know what to write. It seems selfish to write about all the shit I wake up with, what a downer. Whatever. Just keep walking.

    Today: final errands, pack in car, drive to school, possible car discussion with dad (not what I want to deal with right now), unpack car, try to bring some semblance of sanity to life at school, try to sleep.